What If?

I have been working my way through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron for the second time. I first read it back in 2022 and that is when I first started working on my novel, Dandelion: Mother of Weeds. I didn’t realize it then, but I was writing series of books as the protagonist ages from maiden to mother, to crone. I still feel the urge to work on Dandelion, Stray, and Sparrow, the three-part series, but recent life events have prevented me from writing at all. The best I can do right now is to journal, including the writing tasks from The Artist’s Way. One of the tasks this week asked me to describe my Ideal Ideal Day, meaning not how my life is now, but how I wish it could be. This question can be addressed in two ways. I could think of it like an episode of “Wat If” from Disney and imagine how different my life could have been if my past was different; if I had married a man who valued and loved me; if I had had parents who loved me and cared for me. What if my needs had been met and I was seen as someone with value and purpose? Surely, my life would be different and I would have become a different person. However, I find that if I spend too much time thinking about “what if”, I can’t appreciate what actually IS. So, instead of “What If”, I like to think of “What Now”. Right now, I have an easy job with benefits and decent pay; I have two really great daughters who love me, talk to me, and spend time with me. I have a few tenuous friendships, but honestly, most of my best friends have been animals because they seem to understand and appreciate me more than any person. So, what now? What’s next for me? Ideally, I wish my job would offer me a remote position and I could move back home to Florida. I would stay in the front bedroom because it gets the most sunlight and my indoor plants would be happy there. I could plant my fruit trees that I am growing on my patio and build my own little orchard in the yard. I would take lots of trips to the beaches and springs and go hiking in the many beautiful state parks. I could volunteer to foster pets from the humane society. I could work in the community garden. I could see all the performances at the Phillips Center because I really miss hearing live classical music. When I retire, I can trave abroad to all the place I wish I could see in my lifetime. I could pack up the dogs and take long car trips with the dogs to visit my children and hopefully my grandchildren one day. I would host Christmas for my family, and I could host writing retreats so that everyone who enjoys writing can come and relax and spend some time focusing on their craft. I have so many more stories in my mind that have never made it to paper and may never make it to publication. So, in my Ideal Ideal Day, I would have more time to do what I enjoy, instead of being so busy doing what NEEDS to be done. These days of constant productivity have drained my energy and my creative spirit. I wish for gentler times ahead.